Stick WIth Me, But Your Gonna Lose
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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in the "WastedLife" journal:[<< Previous 20 entries]
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07:31 pm
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And She's Back....Momentarily...
i have not come to lj in such a long time. why? i dont know. laziness...no computer...which ever the reason, doesnt seem like i miss much it. ha.
so here's a story for the kiddies...brief update..well, until the arthitis decides to flare up (which im very convinced that i have).
*ive met an incredible human being that seems to keep breakin/tearing me apart. he's beautiful. i fell for him the moment i laid eyes on him. BUT for some reason he thinks everything is complicated or a responsibility. i dont get that state of mind...but who am i to judge. we're tryin to work shit out. we're goin all backwards when it comes to this relationship thing. i just wish he would make up his mind. about everything....us, his ex, his emotions...jesus fuckin christ. im supposed to be callin him right now to hang out but i really just want to chill at my house. fuck.
*i have the bestest friends that a girl could ask for. the 3 amigos and niki. haha. it's awesome to finally have people like them in my life. always there...soooo much fun. whether drinkin, drivin around, listenin to pop lock and drop, to shavin ones eyebrow while they're passed out. it's amazing. they make gettin up and facing the day worth it.
*also have been thinkin that i may move to MN or chicago or Iowa. i think it's iowa...haha. i need to get the fuck out of here. im goin insane. there's nothin here except my mom. i have no reason to stay minus my 3 bestest bitches. i dont know. all i know is that i need to get out otherwise im gonna lose it.
*dont seem to understand why people have an overwhelming feeling to start drama. ive never been one much to get into the foolish behavior...but a certain group of people are just startin up a whole lotta bullshit. the worst part is that it's ALL not true. they even threw my name out there. i havent done shit, only help out a friend. that's what i do. i help people out. the same way they took care of me when i was at a losing end. auugghhh. i wish people would just grow the fuck up. just cause your own situations arent workin out for you, that doesnt mean that you can try to fuck up someone elses jut to make urself look better.
that's all i even want to write about. just the skim of the brain. ha. all in all...life's just being a bitch. but with certain people it's somewhat tolerable. *sigh*
Current Mood:  cynical
Current Music: big girls dont cry---lame yes i know
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05:21 pm
[Link] | this has probably been one of the greatest week ever!
1. maybe got a new job
2. got brakes fixed
3. talked with troy alone
4. got an out of print PBR shirt
shit. other then that...that's it. im quite bored living like this though. i might lose any sort of life i may contain if i take this job. 3pm-3am sleep for maybe two hours then get up and go to school...we'll see if i make it out alive.
im a loser and still waiting for baby blue to come around. sheryl is not very good when it comes to hookin people up. OH and im getting a digital camera very soon...a canon rebel XT...cant fuckin wait!
Current Mood:  restless
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10:59 pm
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sleeping tea makes you jittery and bug eyed.....
my mami is leaving me tomorrow...not just to the west coast this time...down south...wayyyy south...going back to the motherland. if there is a god, it hates us. another family member has been taken from us. possibly another...i hope not.
how am i gonna deal with this darkness without her?
Current Mood:  anxious
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05:40 pm
[Link] | Man...
tomorrow i start school. i should be excited for this but not too much. probably cause ive waited for so long that i have exhausted any kind of energy that i had for it. oh well. im sure it'll rehit me tomorrow.
well, not a whole lot of anything goin on.
still havent met that kid sheryl keeps tryin to set me up with. i told her that i think this guy is in her imagination.
someone keeps tryin to "tie me down". one moment is "i dont want a relationship" the next he's tryin to talk me into bein with him. nah, that's alrite, thanks. im done doin long distance shit.ha.
my sister was here for a while. i can only take her in spurts. hung out with her for a while so im good until the next time. haha. yea i surprised myself for hanging out with her for so long. i sound like an awful person for that. i do need to keep my sanity somehow. oh, and she also got to see our brother. which is very good. it's about time.
got deathly sick this past week. fuckin sucked. tuesday nite sucked total ass. i was almost considering of campin out in front of the bathroom. then on wednesday they sent me home from work at noon. people were getting too worried. some said that i looked like i was ready to hit the floor. i was close. my mom freaked out on me when she found out i only had one blanket. oh well.
slowly but surely im getting better...only for school.
Current Mood: restless
Current Music: rap
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05:57 pm
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Christmas Eve 06
My Mami:
Me:
Equals:
This year is different...but as long as we have each other nothing else matters.
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10:06 pm
[Link] | My mom is finally coming back home tonite!! can't wait. i miss her so much. i decorated her tree and put presents under the tree. a brought out a couple of the x-mas shit out too, but didnt put up a whole lot...well just cause im not a big x-mas fan like she is. for now i think it's enough. im still debating if i should put up the stockings....i dont want her to think too much about certain things.
Current Mood:  cold
Current Music: Radio-Rap/R&B
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06:47 pm
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Chicago....
Finally went back down with my boys, Tierra De Nadie. man, if i could be around these people at least a couple times a week my life would feel complete, chaotic and protected:
My Goons:
My guys, Robert, Kano, and Jeremiah (tierra de nadie)
sooo much fun. it's such an amazin feeling when you see peoples faces and voices reach a climax of excitment just by seeing you. it's a total cloud nine kinda shit. a place to belong and be accepted in. god fuckin damnit, i love chicago, why couldnt i be there?! soon. soon.
Current Mood:  okay
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06:12 am
[Link] | so, im an official college student...wooo. my first class starts january 15th. cant wait. this was on tuesday. also finally got my review from work and got my raise...what a great day that was. also the guy that sheryl is tryin to hook me up with me almost called me...haha. kinda. he let it ring twice and chickened out. man, that would of been a topper to that day. i guess they're talkin about makin me a lead person before the next chimney season starts. mo money! so if that happens ill once again get 2 raises at work. it's about time bastards!
last weekend, i went to help out at my boss's tree farm. i was the designated fire keeper...it was fuckin hella cold! it was fun as hell.
my boss (for padprinting) is the shit:
can we say a little tipsy....HA. after we closed down, we just hung out and shit. then we went across the street for their neighbors band practice. music sucked, but hey at least we made it fun. all of us would take turns goin back to the house...i swear open containers were not on our side. now that's the street of spilled alcohol. when dan and i were goin back, we saw this figure on the ground...at first we're like what the fuck..got closer and dan goes "oh, looks like a family member"...haha. it was fuckin my boss gary! he fell down and just layed there like a turtle on his back. freakin hilarious. good fun.
so my mom is currently on her way to central america. got to drive her car, which is a hybrid. it's got an awesome stereo. had to wake up at 3am...and now it's 515am. damnit i should of taken a nap..oh well. it's weird sleepin here again cause the last time i did was in may for my dad's funeral. the memories started pourin into my head. my mom said i fell asleep right away, but i felt like i didnt/couldnt sleep. oh well.
time for coffee...then work...damnit. good thing it's friday damnit.
Current Mood: cold
Current Music: lil wayne-stuntin like my daddy (radio)
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06:40 pm
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I Miss Him...
today is the 6 months mark...it's so weird how time flies.
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06:28 pm
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I got dreams so wide like a country mile
so im finally doin it...
college.
i have to go back on december 5 to actually enroll...then i start in january. holy shit. havent told anyone until now...well except javi. he's the one that really got me. finally told my mom today. im so excited. im goin in for the digital photography certificate. maybe after i finish all this i could go to miad! haha yea right. too pricey on that one.
saw me some strippers this past weekend. so much fun. it was a comedy club attached to silk...male strippers are fun but yet so amusing. while watchin i was also talkin to the bartender. was awesome. went to chicago weekend before that for josh's bday. got there sunday...monday was my first EVER day off in a year and a half at my work. my mom and my bosses were pushin me to get the hell out! haha. nice.
saw troy's band play. good shit. took some photos. that same day was company bowlin, so christine and rick came with me...good thing cause i was in no fuckin shape to drive. next mornin i realized that i had dranked for over 12 hours straight. insane.
what else:
oh my review for my job is comin up. quite excited for it. better be gettin at least a $1. if not, then im not translating anymore. fuck that. also might get lead person for chimney. troy said in the next couple weeks my plate is gonna be full as hell. cant wait. it's about time, give me some challenges! also goin through a class at work to read a ruler. yes lame i know, but im so happy with it. i never really knew where everythin but the inch and 1/2 where. it's goin good.
see, im not such a bum wasting a life after all. things are sort of starting to look up. hopefully it'll stay like that. college...cant fuckin wait! all i need know is to get over this cold.
Current Mood:  sick
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05:48 pm
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She's dying from the likes of abandoment
It's Time For Change....
where to start, i dont know.
i did try going to a college...no new info of course.
i want to live somehere far away from here...troy says im trapped here.
it's true.
i want to be a truck driver now (ha) just so i can travel.
maybe more wants. same old shit, different day.
im completely stuck on red hot chili peppers right now. it's insane. i HAVE to listen to the new album everyday, otherwise it feels incomplete. im enthralled and mesmerized by the lyrics. for once it seems like i dont have enmity for the whole world.
I love pot, and I love beer, but I am totally sober, just because it completely stopped working for me. But the good news is music is a built-in lubricant to create itself. Once you start playing, the sort of chemicals and spirits that get realeased inspire you to become even more creative.
-Anthony kiedis
Current Mood:  tired
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04:58 pm
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Weary Heart
by DrunkRobleto
i've been feeling like this more and more everyday.
people need to stop wearing me thin.
maybe it's my fault.
cause i know i can do it.
troy got mad at me and pam today.
for toliet papering inside his car.
then we got mad at him.
cause he actually cares what people in the front office think of him.
sorry for making you look like an ass.
sorry for making "people laugh at you".
come down your pedestal that you have built up and enjoy the locals.
Current Mood: drained
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01:41 pm
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Not enough time.
So to put more shit onto my plate...my car is in serious need of repairs. great.
-transmission fluid.
-3 belts
-muffler
-tube to gas tank
-leaks
fuckin a. right now i dont know if i should just start looking for another junker. i need to find myself a sugar daddy...hahaha jesus.
Found my brother too...he hasnt spoken to any of us since june. he's a mess. im gonna try to visit him once a week if i can find him.
Actually thinking of goin back to school. we'll see about that one. id be goin in for graphic design...but what sucks is that the school that has that doesnt have photography classes or writing classes. i just want to get better at those and see if it will take me somewhere in life. that's all i want to do...write and take pictures...
Too much in a short span of time. man.
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05:30 pm
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When will the insanity stop??
not a whole lot to report:
fucked up my wrist at work. currently going through some occupational therapy...which i had to go to today, but ended up canceling it cause of the tornado warning and work wouldnt let me go. oh well. oh shit, i just realized that i double booked myself (haha) i have an apt with the thearpist at 330 and the dr at 415. FUCK. great. fuck that doc anyways.
2 months....fuck how time flies. it's insane. my mom is currently in cali for the weekend visitng. i had to talk her into it and didnt seem to realize why she didnt want to go. she told me about how she didnt want to go through all of the sympathy again...but in all actuality...that's where my parents met. she was/is goin to take some of my dad's ashes and throw it in the san fransisco bay. i dont know if she did it or not. i really miss her right now.
today's tornado warning fuckin sucked. was drenched by the time i got to my car...which wasnt far at all. so put the heat on cause the windows were foggy...everyone pretty much left. i dont see how they left so fast since u could barely see shit. sooo out of nowhere troy comes out and motions me to get back inside. where i find that everyone is in the tornado safety thing. great. all i wanted to do was get out of there and have a smoke. 10 hours of that place tastes like vomit in my mouth. stayed there until maybe 330, left, then realized that everything was flooded. great. fuckin waukesha. almost got stuck in one. and i needed gas...oh man, that was a search in a half. didnt get home until after 4. bastards.
the boy situation is all sorts of fucked. troy is being a dick kinda. he's more of a girl then i am. it's ridiculous. one minute he wants to hang out then the next...well it's whatever. i kinda am in a "fuck him" mentality but he's slick (even though he doesnt think so) and gets me to melt ever so slightly. what the fuck. matt came up here to visit twice, that was entertaining...kano wants to come up here and hang out, but i dont know about that one, kinda dont want him to. robert is still trying, but he's my best friend and someone that i dont want to lose....last but not least...matteo...mmmm. figures the one that i like, i dont know what he thinks. shit, this nonsense is making me sound like a whore. which im not. havent done anything with anyone. oh and all my boys live far away...troy-west allis, matt-chicago, robert-pleasant praire, kano-chicago...matteo-chicago...can u tell i love chicago people. ha.
ok that's it i guess. my wrist hurts. sooo all in all, im still working my ass off, drinking my ass off, not traveling enough, not sleeping enough, finally being able to write....just trying to keep my head high and not to let too many things drag me down. BEER CALL.
Current Mood: drained
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06:27 pm
[Link] | I'm not looking forward to this weekend.
Birthday and Father's Day.
The first ones without my daddy.
Shit.
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06:25 pm
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My mask of sanity is slipping away....
"hey you... could you PLEASE.... send me those pictures from Chicago??? pretty please? I know you're busy, but I'd appreciate it!"
what the fuck?! since when were chicago pics sooo fuckin important. sorry...sorry for having family/personal things to do...sorry that i have to try to be strong right now..sorry that i have to work to survive...sorry that i need to be by my mom...sorry.
this must make me a bad person now.
i wrote her back...i dont give a fuck right now. i dont give a fuck if she ever speaks to me. when i told her what happened, yea she was sympathic but...not really. im cryin and all she can do is tell me about her parents...who are alive. for once, i dare u to not care about urself for just a millasecond.
he pissed me off today too. but it's kinda stupid. he always wants to go out to eat for lunch..but at the last minute..he cancels. BUT today he took dumb fuckin worthless whore from the office out....right.
what the hell. do people really enjoy getting at me? tryin to destroy the little calmness i have.
my sister called us and told us that she had a dream about our dad...he says that he's doing good. i miss him so much. just want a hug. bear hug.
Current Mood: angry yet sad.
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03:36 pm
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Need a Beer.
I fuckin love it when people kick me when im down. great. awesome.
fuckin asshole. please give me more disappointments, it's not like i get enough of it.
whatever....it's worthless...
not really. fuck it. nothing i can do about it. i hate this turmoil of emotions....it's too much.
Current Mood: angry
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10:40 am
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My Daddy-O
David Lee Hegarty
Of Waukesha, died on Thursday, May 25, 2006 at Waukesha Memorial Hospital at the age of 57 years. David was born on February 15, 1949 in Reno, Nevada, the son of John and Lee (Haynes) Hegarty. He was a member of St. Joseph’s Catholic Church and of the Milwaukee Power Squadron. David proudly served in the U.S. Navy and was a 13 year member of the American Legion Post 8 of Waukesha.
David will be sadly missed by his wife, Carolina (nee Mestayer); his children, Brian of Milwaukee, Molly of Denver, CO, Carolina Robleto of Waukesha, Dawn (Rick) Thibodeau of Tucson, AZ, and Carrie (John) Stanhope of Dennysville, Maine; and his grandchildren, Patrick, Cassandra and Tylor. He is further survived by his brothers, John (Betty) Hegarty of NE, Joe (Connie) of FL, Mike Hegarty of FL, and Marshell (Gladys) Rief of CA; his sisters, Honey (Lou) Palmer of NE and Jean (Milan Switalski) Rine of Beloit; and his mother-in-law, Ana Bethlem Mestayer of Nicaragua. Also survived by other relatives and many friends.
The Memorial Mass for David will be held on Wednesday, May 31, 2006 at 12:00 noon at St. Joseph Catholic Church, 822 N. East Ave., Waukesha. The Rev. Michael Michalski officiating. Visitation will also be Wednesday at the church from 10:30 a.m. until the noon Mass. Military honors will be presented by the American Legion Post 8 of Waukesha. In lieu of flowers memorials are appreciated to the Waukesha County Food Pantry, 215 W. North St., Waukesha, WI 53188.
Current Mood: blah
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08:25 am
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Today Is The Day...
where everythin becomes real...
where we face the harsh reality that our daddy isnt comin home....
where we break down....
i have dreaded this day. my mind is really doin a number on me. my mind tells me the truth while my heart doesnt want to believe it. fuck. i woke up in a semi good mood cause the last thing i dreamt about was my dad. and the last thing i saw before i woke up...was my dad's smiling face. he always told me that something about me made him all hyper...now it's reversed. well, we got excited and hyper in each others presence. now it's all gone.
i'm not ready for this.
Current Mood: anxious
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08:36 pm
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As of May 25th 2006
my daddy was taken away from me.....
i still think he's comin home.....
i still think that this is just a surprise party w/love ones for him....
i still dont know what is goin to happen..
i still miss him sooo fuckin much....
i still think he's "away" at the moment and will return.....
i still cant believe it...
i saw him...
i miss him...
he is my everything....
now what am i going to do...
now what is my mom goin to do...
he was fine...health wise...
rarely got sick...
just the normal shit...
cholestrol and blood pressure...
saw him on wednesday...
saw him on thursday...
but he was gone...
fuck....i need to wake up from this awful nightmare. this should have never happened.
Current Mood: numb
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